It's 1:00 AM and I'm not sleeping.  What else is new!  I remember I used to have trouble falling asleep, but it's gotten a lot better.  I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I'm 30 and I'm just tired.  I still hate sleeping early though.  So many things have changed since hitting the big 3-0:

1) Gaining weight.  A lot of my clothes don't fit well anymore and although I don't mind the weight gain, I do mind having to buy new clothes.  I don't want to do it.  How am I supposed to afford replacing all my pants/shorts!  I've been going to work with all my pants unbuttoned/zipped halfway.  My shorts all ride up my ass crack and I feel like I have permanent wedgies.  TMI...but whatever.  This is life.

2) Gaining weight in unflattering places and cellulite.  Although I don't mind gaining weight, I do mind the fact that I'm getting flab packets around my body and cellulite.  I started working out so I hope I can continue that and firm up.  I know I've been teased about being too thin, but I also had people tell me that I will get to an age where things will change.  Well, that time is now.  There is this one exercise move I've been doing where you are in plank position..and b/c gravity is not my friend in this position..I see massive cellulite dimpling in my quads - from all the loose fat piling by the skin.  Ok that was an unnecessary gross description.  Part of me wants to cry b/c it's so gross to look at since my face is staring right at it.. but part of me uses it as inspiration to get me through the circuit ...as I whimper from the pain  -____-  Damn you Jillian Michaels!  You make it look so easy!  How are you and your two sidekicks smiling throughout the entire time while my eyeballs are rolling back into my head??

3) Enjoying alone time even more.  I think I've always been pretty independent and felt pretty content just being in my own presence.  That does not mean I don't enjoy the company of my husband, family, friends or going out..but if by some "punishment", I was forced to stay home for weeks I think I'd be fine.  I just feel like as I grow older, I get more stress and responsibilities I have to worry about, and I deal with those things best when I'm alone.  Maybe b/c I can distract myself with stupid things and I don't have to talk about anything.  I enjoy that most weekdays when I'm the most burdened by stress.  My husband and I usually have dinner together and talk about our day and afterwards we just become brain dead (usually him watching TV and me on the laptop) and that is much needed "me" time.  :)

4) Breast pain.  My breasts have been sore for a month straight.  What the heyell.

5) Weak bladder.  My bladder shrunk.  I pee all the time - mostly at night/before bed.  It's super annoying.  When I was trying to figure out why I was peeing like a geriatric patient, I had to go through different procedures such as having a freaking tube with a camera attached going up my urethra and watching the insides of my own bladder on a monitor, having water pumped into my urethra to see how much my bladder could hold as well as the involuntary peeing in a bucket afterwards in front of the nurses.  Loved the part when the urologist started his sentence off with.."Usually, this happens to people that are a lot older.."  Well buddy, I noticed that when I was the only person who didn't have white hair in the waiting room.

Anyway, these past couple of months I've been thinking about the possibility of relocating out of the tri-state area to start a family.  Sometimes my husband and I talk about it and he's all for it.  I want to do it too, but I think I'm too chicken.  It's a big thing to get up and move somewhere far.  Will I get a good job? Is it the right move?  Will I have enough money?  How the hell am I going to move with my two neurotic cats??  I told John I wanted to move to Carmel - which is next to Pebble Beach in California.  I fell in love with the place when we visited over a year ago but after doing some research I realized there's not that many job opportunities there.  It's just a bunch of rich folk who can afford to live in this awesome little town by the ocean.  : (   John loved Carmel but I think secretly he loved the fact that Pebble Beach golf course is right there hahaha.  I also had a fascination with the town "Thousand Oaks".  I don't know anything about the town, but I just love the name!  "I live in Thousand Oaks, California!"  Okay, I'm being weird - but sometimes names drawn you in!

I'm just scared of change..but I think I'll be okay.  John loves San Diego.  I liked it there but didn't love it.  But maybe I will learn to?  I kind of want to move to a small town, preferably somewhere in California, away from the hustle bustle and raise my kids in a cookie cutter neighborhood and become a total soccer mom, bake cupcakes, drink lemonade on my wrap around porch, join a knitting club with a bunch of other moms and save homeless animals on my 39429034 acres that I bought for pennies since I live in the boonies!